Fishbowl Syndrome

If I were a research psychologist, I think I'd develop a theory about what happens to people when they put their private lives and thoughts up for all the world to see.  I wonder if fish behave differently in a fish tank because they are being observed by someone?  I wonder if it is really possible not to be self-conscious when you know someone is watching you? 

As soon as I started this particular blog I began to have anxiety!  I almost deleted it.  The only reason I didn't was the reason I started it.  It's not for my benefit, but hopefully for someone else's.  Unlike some folks, I don't really want to share my struggles with people.  I really only want to share Jesus and my triumphs.  But I don't think sharing a triumph is all that valid if you don't share your struggles.  I'm keeping them off to the side so as to not give them too much visibility.  It's not that I have anything to be ashamed of (unless it's that I still haven't cleaned that bathroom), but that if I focus too much on myself, I might take my eyes of the Lord and start sinking like Peter did.  That would be a bummer, and not my idea of an effective pursuit.  I don't want anyone else to get their eyes on me either.  My whole reason for being is to point to Him. 

Sometimes I wonder, though, if all that I do really does point to Him.  Maybe it just points to my talent or skills.  God gave them to me and taught and trained me, but maybe they get in the way.  I hope not.  I wouldn't know what to do if that were the case.  All I can think to do is to keep reminding myself and others that it's Jesus we're supposed to be impressed with, not people. 

I had a bragging moment more than a year ago, and I'm still suffering the consequences.  Father God just won't tolerate it in me any more.  What I said was (and I said it out loud to my husband, not just thought it to myself), "I can write songs now whenever I want to.  I just sit down and start writing~  they just keep coming!"  Guess what? (I'm sure this is predictable):  I haven't written a song since.  Not that I haven't tried!  I guess I did write a couple of so-called songs, but they were totally lame.  I even went through that before; did I learn?  Only for a while.  Then when I was really steaming along great, I lost it because of pride and self-confidence.  The stark fact is: I can't write songs (or do anything else) worth beans without the power of the Spirit moving in me.  I just can't.  Especially if He's resisting me.  You don't want God to be resisting you (uh, He's the immovable rock!).  God resists the proud and gives grace to the humble. 

I had a song-writing moment yesterday.  It glimmered in my "peripheral vision" for a few seconds.  I had just listened to Amy Grant's new recording of "Better Than A Hallelujah" and read an interview with her.  I've always loved Amy, and followed her career since she started at 17.  I was somewhat older than her, but I imitated her for a long time until the Lord convinced me I was supposed to be me, not anybody else.  I went through an imitate-Joni Mitchell-stage too, before I became a Christian.  I was good at imitating.  People would say, "Oh you sound just like Joni Mitchell!"  Then they would say, "You sound just like Amy Grant!"  Does anybody ever say, "Oh, you sound just like yourself!" No, of course not! 

Back to the song-writing moment.  I let it pass, as I often let the prayer moment, or the worship moment, or the call your parent moment pass.  I am not the most obedient one around.  I am strong-willed and don't like to be led.  I don't even do what I intend to do sometimes, just to spite myself for trying to control me!  Is that dumb or what?  But the fact that I even had a song-writing moment brought tears to my eyes!  I felt like I had something to say, maybe.  My thoughts after that were part factual and part stupid.  I don't have any callouses to play guitar.  I can't sing anymore.  What it really came down to was fear that songwriting would take over and I wouldn't be in control.  It's time consuming.  I can only do it in collaboration with Jesus.  I have to do it when He wants to.  Just like making composite art; but I've gotten used to riding the wave with art and I don't want to give it up.  And with music, I'm not in a fishbowl anymore at all.  I'm all alone, just me and the Lord, for now.  It's so easy to get addicted to even the thought that someone out there might be watching.  It's like reverse voyeurism.

I remember a terrifying moment at my grandmother's house.  I was in grade school, not sure of the age exactly.  But I remember standing next to her piano, trembling with fear.  My mother had insisted that I sing a song for her and granddad.  Mom might have accompanied me, I'm not sure.  I wanted to and I didn't want to.  I wanted it to be perfect, and it never was.  I managed to do it somehow without fainting.  It was the beginning of my long struggle with performance anxiety that eventually escalated into panic attacks before, and even during, performances.  I have many painful stories of this I won't go into. 

I remember with equal clarity the day I experienced God's hand on my back on the platform at church as I did a solo.  He said to me in my heart, as I tried to push the fear down, "Just lean back.  I'll hold you up."  He literally did!  I was able to relax against this gentle pressure holding me up, and as I did, I began to sing with incredible freedom.  I knew in my heart, from that time on, that He didn't want me to be ashamed.  He didn't want me to fail.  He would help me do my best and add to it Himself, as long as I would stay humble and admit my need of Him.  He would always be there to uphold me, as long as I would lean on Him and not on my self.  I always remembered that from then on.  Whenever I felt afraid on stage, which was every time, I would consciously lean back against Him.  He's never failed me.  He's always been there.

I guess I'm reminding myself that now that I feel like I'm in a fishbowl-- somehow trying to just be free, be myself, and I'm starting to feel the same panic that used to plague me-- that He's still there with His hand on my back.  He's saying that just being myself can glorify Him because He's done a lot of work in me over all these years, and I'm not the same as I was.  He's entwined with me to the point where you can't not see Him or hear Him in some way.  Sure, I'm still flawed and human, but I'm quite willing to admit it and let Him form me until I'm like Him. 

Wouldn't it be nice if people said, "You sound just like Jesus!"  That would be awesome.

Building Muscle

A wonderful thing today!  I woke up this morning with warm, comfortable muscles!  Now this might sound weird to most people, but for the last few years, whenever I would do a lot of physical work, I would have searing pain in all the muscles that got worked out.  I think people call this fibromyalgia but I never got an "official" diagnosis.  Since there's really no cure for it that I've heard of, what would be the point?  Anyway, instead of my muscles feeling like they were on fire and torn, they felt like they were glowing warm.  I could feel the tendons and ligaments pulling on my bones, the way I always can, but it didn't hurt.  I could feel the tightness of the used muscles, like they wanted to be stretched, but they didn't feel like cramps waiting to happen.  I could stretch my feet and ankles without starting a "charlie horse." This was truly wonderful, and I lay in bed for a little while just enjoying the sensations.  I'm really praising the Lord!

My feet and ankles and legs got a workout in the last couple of days from being in the studio on the keyboard (my hands are pretty strong from typing all the time, but I don't get a lower-extremity workout from blogging!).  The night before, I played the Taylor 12-string for over an hour, and yesterday, I was on the computer all day doing art and posting on Flickr for my 3 year party.  All this, and very little pain.  My muscles are tired and I think they want a break, though (and the tip of my pointer finger has been showing signs of nerve damage, but it's not bothering me today).  I guess I will give them a little bit of a rest today.  I slept well last night, and when I got up, I could walk on my hip without too much trouble.  Most of the time if I sleep heavily, I wake up with my hip out of joint and I can't put any weight on it at all.  So this is great too.

A big reason for starting this blog was so that I could document my healing!  I didn't want to go around testifying that I'd been healed of chronic pain and disability and not be able to prove it.  My doctor (Jesus) doesn't need to do x-rays of course, and He doesn't need to guess at diagnoses.  He's always right!  I've been praying for several years now, since I injured my hip three times from slipping on the deck, for the Lord to heal me.  It's in the Word, so I'm not quitting until I get it all.  But that wasn't going to do anyone else any good, so I wanted to document it.  Looks like I started just in time!  Isn't that just like the Holy Spirit!

Up Again in the Middle of the Night

Waking up isn't too unusual.  My hip is hurting again.  I did a lot of walking around yesterday, putting things away.  I made some pretty good progress with that, but as always, I had to stop before I was done.   My skin is irritated, too.  I think that keeps me awake worse than aches and pains.  It's time to lay off coffee again.  It does something weird to my nerves after a while.

I was lying there awake and uncomfortable, so I thought I'd blog a little.  I got up and turned the kitchen light on.  There was a large palmetto bug on the counter. Yuck!  Summer in Florida. I took some acetaminophen.  I try not to do that at night if I can help it, but sometimes I do.  Really, I need to take some calcium tablets, but I'm sure that would bother my stomach, so that will have to wait until breakfast.

I came into the studio to turn on the computer.  On the way to the light I ran into that file box with the broken top and scraped my leg on it again!  For the second time in two days!  That thing is getting moved first thing in the morning (I did get it out of the way).  I am paying for my procrastination.

I went to ArteZoe Central first, because it's got the praise music set on it.  I am really missing doing music now.  It must be time to get back to it.  My spirit feels better already just hearing this.  I went over to a blog I had once put on a back burner, "Spirit Eyes," my one-picture gallery.    Yesterday I experimented with the new template designer and found an image I think is really cool.  I don't have anything like this myself, so I used it and messed with the editor until I got all the backgrounds transparent so the blog post and gadgets all float in the air, so to speak.  Well, I like it anyway.  I sure want to figure out how to change the background image in the new template.  Eventually.

Tears are welling up in me right now.  The Spirit of God is just filling me up in His presence.  I was just listening to Chris Tomlin sing "Indescribable."  I am so needing to get carried away in worship!  First thing when I wake up again (after sunrise), I'm going out to the studio and minister to the Lord.  He's saying "I miss hearing you."  While I'm in His presence like this, I'm holding up some people in prayer.  Then I'll go back to sleep.  Love you, Jesus!

A Real Person, A Real Blog

I thought, since I post so many "public" types of things, that I'd give myself a space to express the personal things I deal with every day.  My walk with the Lord is real, and I wanted to be able to share how the Lord ministers to me as I deal with things like chronic pain, working at home, being married to a genius, juggling a variety of interests and projects, as well as being a mom and grandmom.  Real life is where we "practice what we preach."  So, if you want to know who I am, here it is.